Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Why does she always so bitter?

Why does she always so bitter?
Why is she always so skeptical?

Me and her.. we are quite anomaly..
I’m quite an optimist kinda a person
even sometimes… rrr oftentimes.. I had to crumble when things turned out not as I expected…but soon I’ll start crawling up again assuming there’s still hope.. even if then I have to crumble again hehe… at least I’ve tried.. (BIG times!)

“Look the glass is not empty.. there’s still some drop of water in it!!” , my under consciousness said.

And her.. I don’t know.. She manages to see the negative things on something.. and deny everything that’s not in line with her frame of reference…
And when it happens… she won’t accept any arguments and keep fighting it even with the lame argument.

“The glass is half empty. I won’t drink the water because is not enough. I will still feel thirsty after”

I’m lucky that I see things black, white, red, pink and rainbow color…
I think she just see things black and grey…

Monday, November 05, 2007

Gardening

It never really occurs to me to have gardening as a hobby. It crossed my mind slightly after I watched Si Unyil years back, when Pak Raden or whomsoever started Apotik Hidup. I thought it’s kinda cool to plant plants that have medication/remedy effect. But I never really plant anything since then.

I didn’t take much thought about gardening. Not until I stayed in Bali. I saw men have startling passion about plants. They even exchange plants among them! I know women go to their neighbor to share their cookies, and in return they have another cookies from the neighbor. It’s a common practice among women. I noticed men, if they happen to go to their neighbor/friend house, they end up bringing home plants from their friends’ collection. And in returns, they give their collection. Let me make this clear: we’re talking about man here…

Okay, before it’s going to be a discussion about gender… I only want to tell you that I was a bit surprised knowing men have such passion about gardening.

Back in Bali, I was a little upset when one of my colleagues, who was supposed to pick me up from the office, came late because he had to shower his plants first. Annoyed, I snorted that he could ask his sister or mother to do it. And he said it’s his job, and those were his plants. So he had to do it himself.

One day I noticed one of a man in the office (still in Bali) once surfed the net. And it was the Adenium website. And he was so stunned with the pictures of all pretty colorful adenium (until that moment, I didn’t know that flower’s name). He even screamed excitingly over a purple-centered pink-circled adenium with “Ihhh gemesssss warnanya..”
Hadn’t I known him, I would have thought he was a gay.

“Don’t you like flower?” he asked
“Yeah… I just like looking at it, not fancy nourish it or anything….”
“How come..? he added

Then without realizing it, I stayed with him browsing other sites: euphorbia, crysantenum, anthurium...

Back in Jakarta I didn’t have much encounter with flower world. Until one day, on the nice cool evening after office hour, my friend, a guy, asked me to walk from jalan irian menteng to diponegoro instead of taking the bus in front of sarinah. I thought its kinda nice for a change. I bet not many Jakartans, especially the yuppies, have ever enjoyed the evening walking. So we walked side by side, with his eyes wander from house to house. When I asked what he was looking at, he said he was looking at the trees and plants in the houses we passed. Then he started telling me that he’s now fancy gardening. Jaw dropping, I listened attentively while he enthusiastically explained about the kind of plants he liked best, his new collection and… most of all.. how he GOT them!!


“I saw a plant I like around this neighborhood. Wait… there it is!” he said
“What so special about it? You can find it everywhere..” I said over a large green leaves with ivory dot scattered in the middle. Later on I was told the name was Dieffenbachia “No.. it’s not the same. See the pattern of the dot.. it’s not the same with what we often find.”
“Really?”
“Yeah… hey listen! I’ve been longing to take this plant. I don’t think the owner would miss it. Beside, he has some collection like this. I just take the smallest one. Will you cover for me?”
“WHATTT?”
We were in front of the big house in Menteng area, where mostly they have SECURITY officer!
“Just relax. We talk casually, pointing at the plant as if we discussing something, and just grab it. Done!” , by the time he finished his word, the plant is already on his hand.
“Do you happen to have plastic bag?” he said calmly.
Still jaw dropping, I rummaged inside my bag try to find some kind of bag. Found a bread bag and handed it to him.
“Will you do it quick and let’s get out of here!”, I said.
“Relax…”

We went on walking to the bus station, but dropped by in the Menteng Park. He explained many things about plants and flowers in the park. Offered me some plant that I might like, that he would gladly tug it for me. Isn’t it romantic? Walking down the park during sunset and get a gift of stolen flower right through the akar from a man who stole it in front your very eyes!!

“No, thanks…” I said with wry smile.

Anyway, he then told me about his new hobby. About his effort with the villagers to get their collection. About his spy work in some residence to search certain variety. About his stealing collections. About the different sensation he got after stealing certain plant. …

Man! I thought gardening is the safest-most harmless-most peaceful hobby in the world!
I mean, you wont die or get hurt because of gardening… right?
it’s not like you get decompression while you go on diving, or broken bone like when you go on horse riding…

The worst thing that could happen with gardening is you get some scratch from the rose thorn…

It never occurred to me being beaten up by furious crowd because you were caught in the act stealing some plant.. only because your gardening hobby!!

Ih, mati kutu!
Mati gaya pula…

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Power of simple word

strange...
how simple thing can make your heart trembling
how simple word can change your world upside down..

and funny..
how your sad broken little heart can cure just with a simple word
how your cold dark gloomy world seems to alter into a happy summer

the power of word?

no.. it's the power of 'someone' who said the word.

that 'someone' has changed my summer into a bloody cold winter
has turned my shiny day into darkest night
with his word...

that same 'someone' has made the broken pieces mend together
has put me to sleep with smile
with his word...

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Grateful Therapy

One way to coup with your devastations, is being grateful. That’s what my Mom and God- knows-how-many-others said. Being grateful of what you have and what you don’t have. Sound so philosophic, huh?

Last week, I experienced the lowest point in my life. I felt so sad I can’t remember the last time I was that sad. It seemed everything went against me. The trigger still, well, as always.. love! Cheesy, huh?

So, my friends came up with this Grateful Therapy. Actually she didn’t intended that way. At least it wasn’t obvious if she did. She just gave me updates of the people we know over a cup of tea. You know... girls’ stuff!

Anyway, this person we both know, was a smart, stylish, successful girl. She was practically me... in better version! She had a good job and nice paycheck, and yet, she often had unlucky relationship. In fact, she had always had tragic love stories. Everybody who knew her would agree with me.

In short, she finally got married. And it’s like a Cinderella story. She met a nice guy. He was single, smart, well-educated, successful businessman and quite religious. He was perfect. And he made her life full-circled now. She was happily married and successful career woman. And we agreed that he was the reward of all her suffers. And she deserved it.

But last month, my friend said, her husband died of cancer. Her perfect husband, her knight on shining armor, her reward… just died on her second year of marriage! I was so shocked. I can’t imagine how she must have felt. I can’t imagine if she were me.. oh please no! It was just unfair. Life is cruel to her, I thought.

But my friend said, God loves her so much. God has plan for her. Blah blah blah…

Back to my life, my devastated life, I must admit that my suffer was nothing compared to her. God only took thing that didn’t belong to me. I borrowed it and insisted in having it. And when He said NO!, I was angry and sad and disappointed.

Now, I still feel sad and devastated, and try to coup with it. But I thank God I didn’t experience any worse than this.

Last weekend, when I hang out with my girl friends, this poem from WH Auden came up. And I feel it quite represents my story.

He was my north, my south, my east and west

My working week and my Sunday rest

My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song

I thought that love would last forever; I was wrong.

A Friend in Need is ...

“I don’t see a problem here. Sorry”

I was just telling her that I went to find professional help because I was very sad and devastated. Someone I was recently involved with, whom I still strive to get over it, was getting married in couple days. When I heard the news, I felt the world come tumbling down and the sky fall over me. All system in my brain shut down, and could only operate emergency command: cry!

And she said she didn’t see that as a problem?
Helllooo…?
Why should I go see a shrink if there wasn’t a problem?

If you think MY problem is not a real problem.. well maybe because it’s not YOUR problem. But that doesn’t mean it’s not important. It is for me. Show some symphaty dear!

That’s one thing you need from a friend.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

no idea!

I’ve been having sort of “writer block”.. (yeah right! as if I’m a real writer)

I can’t finish everything I write.

The thing is, I’m having mmmhhhh… I refuse to say that I’m at the lowest point in my life. But how do you say if : you lost your job, haven’t got the new one, your CV has not yet been responded, no boyfriend, break up with your fling (can we say ‘break up’ with a ‘fling’?), lose my creativity, unproductive, unhealthy (this flu has stick with me for more than 3 weeks now! ukh!), ungrateful..

I prefer to say that I have a long vacation. I get up at 9, make tea, read newspaper, do some house chores, call friends to make appointment, take a bath, go to malls to have lunch with friends, and then coffee, and then dinner…

Malls have been my office now…
And yup, PS is the headquarter!

So maybe I’m not having a writer’s block after all.
I just don’t have interesting story to tell.

Guess I just go on with pretend-to-have-long-vacation thing.
So, bear with me!

Monday, April 09, 2007

Rebound

Here what happens if you keep falling in love with the wrong person: You end up broken hearted!

Oh yes I know, I’ve been there, done that! Big times!!

And that doesn’t make me an expert (of broken heart). No! But at least I know two ways of getting over it: the HARD WAY or the EASY WAY.

The first couple times, I apparantly took the hard way. Step by step, I’ve been through the four stages of broken heart:

  1. feeling sorry for yourself
  2. feeling mad about yourself
  3. feeling mad for him
  4. feeling nothing at all

They’re right, time heals… I just wish it could be sooner, much sooner!

It took me years!!
...with sleepless nights and countless tears.

So the next time my heart broke, I chose the easy way. How? Simply find a rebound. Find another object of your affection. I kinda grabbed the next man who hit on me, didn’t care if I didn’t really like him. He seemed to care for me, and that’s enough. I just didn’t want to be alone.


Oh yes, it worked! Rebound cured…


… until I fell in love with the rebound guy. Fatal mistakes!

I shouldn’t have fallen in love with the rebound. Because the rebound guys were usually not the ‘ideal’ person. They were only the guys who happened to be at the right time (injury time I must say..)


Guess what happens next?
Another broken-hearted!


The hard way took your valuable times, your happiness, golden opportunities… because you were blinded with your grieve.
The easy way offered a vague happiness and lead you to another grieve.

If you were me, what would you choose now: the hard way or the easy way?

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Goodbye...

Saying goodbye’s never an easy thing..
This nice place
The salty air
The beautiful people
.. especially the people that makes it harder…
I’ve come to love the people so much.

From my MP3 player:
.. all my bags are packed, I’m ready to go..

Hmmppppffff…
Here I am, feeling sorry for myself.. for the goodbye I soon have to say

Thank you guys for the unforgettable 5 months…
Thank you my dear…
You’re all missed!

Hope to see you again sometimes soon…

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Surfer Girl: here comes bruises…




I get on with my life. I think about how lucky I was to be here, nice place, nice job, nice paycheck.. Oh well, a little romantic problem shouldn’t stop me to have a great time here, right?

I spent the weekend with my friend in Kuta. We chatted, went window-shopping, made rujak (kinda fruit salad with hot sauce), walked to the beach, went swimming, watched sunset... At night, we watched DVD. It’s hard to keep my eyes open, as I was so exhausted with the tiring sweating outdoor activities all day long! But I wanted to finish the movie I’ve been longing to see: Brokeback Mountain. After almost 3 hours watching with my heavy-eyes, the movie just stopped! Yup, just like that! I didn’t know how the story ends. Thanks to DVD bajakan!!

The next day, we planned to go to the beach to learn surfing firstly in the morning. The plan went slightly behind schedule: we left home at two o’clock! Well, it’s Sunday. Who wants to get up early on Sunday?

Anyway, we got on with the plan: learn surfing. We tried to get all the best resource for my first-surf-learning. We had categories for ‘the best resource’: cute surf board and cute instructor!

Sure we had good reason for that. I’ll tell you later…

I went head over heels to learn surfing. I don’t know why it’s so hard to lift my body up to stand on the board. Sometimes the waves were not good to me as it rolled me down before I was able to raise my head. Sometimes other surfers were not good to me as they let their board bumping over my body. Ouccchhh!
Then I got cramped. The instructor led me to the shore to help me with my pain. You see, that’s the reason why cute instructor is SooOo important!

I could stand alright! Oh yeah… a nice two second moment!
Well, it’s still a progress..

Near sunset, the waves were really unfriendly for rookie surfer like me. So I decided to stop. We sat on the beach, waiting for the sunset. A friend brought a camera to shoot the sunset. But we convinced him that we were also a very good object to shoot.

... photo session!

I asked him to take the picture of me, just like the ads in Yahoo! Vacation.. He laughed. He took the picture of me with the surfing board. The result is more like the Quicksilver or Oakley advertisement. I’m quite satisfied. I looked good. The surfer board, too. That’s why cute surf board is soOo important!


When the night fell, we returned home. All tan and exhausted. Full of bruises too!




Friday, February 09, 2007

Just when I thought things are going better and better..

My come-back to Bali is not so called “a sweet come back”. The first week, I had a quarrel with my ex- who happened to have job assignment in Bali. Bad quarrel. I’m quite embarrassed to remember it. Thanks God I had Papi P as my shoulder to cry on, and him to comfort me.

The second week, my boss started to fuss of my being picked-up and dropped by him. She said it’s not allowed since he’s using office hour to pick me up. It’s right but it’s not fair. Because other staff are also using office hour to pick up and drop their children. Beside, it’s not taking so much time. And he’s already done with his duty. So we started to do backstreet: when my boss is out, he picks me up. It went smooth at first.
Until…

The next week, he said that he’s afraid with how things grow between us. We became closer and closer (psssttt… we’ve been TTM for a month now). And it’s a no-future relationship, so to speak. We have different religion. Yes, it matters! For both of us.
And he already has a girl friend. So that week, we had an on-off relationship, just like a real couple. But then we decided to let it flow and enjoy the feeling.. maybe until I complete my duty here.

This week, things are worse. He had a quarrel with his girl friend. She urged him not to take me home again. And he doesn’t want things become worse. So he asked someone else to replace his duty: take me home.

No word whatsoever to finish our relationship. I just said, “Why don’t you go to talk things over with her?” To be frank, I didn’t say that with all my heart. I felt hurt inside. And he said, “I want to be alone, no need girl friend.”

It’s hard to describe how I feel. Sad, mad, disappointed, unfair, sad…
I feel sad most of the time. He becomes my comfort zone. I ran to him when I had quarrel with my ex. I called him when I need anything. I told him how I feel and what I do everyday. Now I have to act as if nothing happened between us.

Starting today, someone else will take me home. No more joking, dating, fighting, cuddling before going home.

Hmmmmppphhfff….

Monday, February 05, 2007

He stood me up!!

My cousin asked me to watch her show. I asked him to accompany me, because when my cousin is on stage, I will be sitting alone in the bar. He said he would come after he finishes his ‘duty’ (it was Saturday night, and his duty is to visit his girl friend).
I agreed. So I went with my cousin at 9, expected him to drop by at eleven.

At eleven, he called. Said that he had a quarrel with his girl friend, and that I shouldn’t call or send him sms as his celullar was being confiscated. (What an unhealthy relationship!!)

He said he still would come.

I waited, and waited, and waited. My cousin asked me to sit in the front table, but I said I wanted to wait for him. I sat next to the door so I would see him coming. I pretended to talk on the phone outside the café to look for him. He didn’t show up!

Had I known he wouldn’t come, I wouldn’t come to this café. I couldn’t stand sitting alone for 3 hours. A girl, sitting alone in the corner of a café.. it’s not an elegant view, is it? I saw some middle-aged men gave me those flirty looks, some couples gave me pitty looks… Uggghhhh!!

“Where the hell is he?” , my heart cried.

I couldn’t call him (His girl friend confiscated his cell, remember? What an unhealthy relationship! Did I said that already?)

He didn’t come, didn’t call.
He stood me up!!

Dance like nobody’s watching..

Sbetulnya gw agak malu ni untuk ngaku. Salah satu obsesi gw adalah... bisa nari! Ga tau kenapa, badan gw jadi kaku untuk gerakan2 dance. Any dance, you name it! Ballet, modern, salsa, chacha, RnB apalagi free style... Padahal badan gw lumayan luwes dan lentur. Gerakan yoga yang susah bagi orang lain aja gw bisa. Tapi ya itu.. kalo untuk urusan dance, kok jadi cupu banget gw...

Gw punya beberapa teori tentang hal ini:
Teori pertama: gw punya hambatan psikologis untuk dance. ga pe de gitu dweeeeh maksudnya. Mati gaya aja rasanya...
Teori kedua: gw punya masalah koordinasi badan. Sbenernya ini menjelaskan kenapa gw ga pernah jago nyetir, baik mobil atau motor.. Me + Vehicle = BAD IDEA!).

Gw pernah lho ikutan dance course. Terakhir gw join kelas di gym, HipHop Dance dan MTV Style. Gaya euy! Bareng sama ABG dan AGJ (Anak Gaul Jakarta-red). Instrukturnya lumayan keren pula. About my dance? Ga sukses tentunya!

Anyway, waktu itu gw nonton film di HBO (ga.. bukan tv gw! Gw masi nunggu sumbangan TV dari temen MT untuk kado ultah gw. Waktu itu gue nginep di hotel, ada temen yang lagi dinas di bali. Ps. Oya tentang kado TV, yang berasa ayo dong beliin!! Janji palsu dwweeeh.. ). Sampe mana tadi? Oya gw nonton film tentang dance. Tentang anak jalanan dan bagaimana dance merubah hidup mereka. Sayang gw ga nangkep judulnya apa. Lumayan asik padahal. Gw lumayan terinspirasi. Gw coba inget-inget gerakannya, langkahnya… yang sebetulnya simple banget. I can imagine myself doing those moves. The only problem with my imagination is.. IT’S NOT REAL! *grin*
Waktu gw coba melakukan gerakan-gerakan itu (tentunya pas ga ada orang yang liat!), gw sadar kalo gw punya masalah serius. I moved awkwardly. Stiff. Unharmonious. Cupu!

Tentunya gw ga gampang menyerah dong.. Gw coba berdiri di depan cermin, pejamkan mata, berusaha menghayati beat lagu, konsentrasi pada gerakan-gerakan, mulai mengerakkan tangan dan kaki... lalu gw buka mata........





TETEPP ANCUR!
Uggghhh!!

There, now you know my little secret. But, like I said, I wouldn’t give up easily. Wise man say ’It’s all in your mind’. Like Paulo Coelho famous line: if you want something so badly, the whole universe will conspire to help you.

Gw cuma perlu niat yang kuat kok!

Gw jadi kepikir hipnoterapi. Gw pernah liat TV waktu Romi Rafael menghipnotis orang untuk nari India, padahal tu orang ngakunya ga pernah bisa nari India. Ternyata pas dihipnotis, luwes aja tu orang ngelilingin tiang. Seksi pula!

Someday kali ye...

Sementara itu ya.. nari2 aja sendiri. Syaratnya jangan di depan orang dan jangan di depan kaca... biar ga ilfil! Hehe...


Ps. Vacancy
Urgently required. A hypnotherapist who could give cheap price. Free will be preferred. Interesting candidate should contact me via email. Only shortlisted candidates will be notified. Men are encouraged to apply!