a Boss and a Leader

I read somewhere about the difference between a Boss and a Leader. Yeah I know, it sounds lame, huh?

I remember about the boss drives people and depend on authority, while the leader coaches them and depend on good will.

Why I should bring this up here? Well I am recently in charge to handle 2 provinces and require a sub-ordinate in each province. My boss (I guess you know where it’s going now) said it was my authority to recruit them because they would be directly working with me. Fair enough. So I started advertise it, selected and short-listed it. Until one day my boss said to me.

Boss : I think you should hire ‘X’ for West Java. Because he is experienced and quite good in content . What do you think?

Me: I think of someone who can speak local language, and preferable who has dealt with government official there.

Boss: But he’s good in content, you don’t have to coach him closely. About language and relationship with government, you could guide him.

Me: Has he had experience dealing with government or in advocacy field? Because that will be his main job. (I know the answer is no, because I know this guy. And no offense, he’s nice and we’re friends, but I didn’t think he’d want this kinda job)

Boss: No,but ….. (there goes her justification)

Me : Fine

Boss: Only, his salary was higher than our budget for this position. So maybe for Jakarta province you shouldn’t hire experienced person, so (s)he wouldn’t ask high salary.

I said I think about it. But I didn’t really agree with her. The day after and the day after that, he asked if I contacted X. Agitated, I called X. It’s not because I had something against him. NooOo! It’s just that to hire him, it takes somebody’s right to get better paid. I mean, they will be in the same position and I will have the same expectation toward them. But one is paid twice higher that the other. And it’s not because he’s more experience in the field, but because the boss prefer him. How’s that fair?

And how about “my authority to recruit them because they will be working directly to me” ?

Seems to me it is her authority to drive me to do what she wants.

Well, that’s what a boss does, rite?

Learn from the disabled

Last Saturday, valentine’s day (although I’ve never celebrated valentine and have no reason to start now ;p), we conducted a movie screening and discussion. It was our routine activity, actually. But this time, it’s special. Special because I initiated the topic, and because I have ‘conflict of interest’ in the topic and because it ‘moved’ me in a peculiar way.

So the movie was about a visually impaired teacher Ann Sullivan and a deft-blind student Hellen Keller. The movie leads to a discussion about special needs student and their right to education. We invited Mimi Lusli (trainer in Hellen Keller International) and Parto (headmaster special school “Ar Rahman) as resource persons. It was a fruitful discussion.

I’ve been working with Mimi for 3 months now, but I’ve never listened to her story. I didn't know that she became totally blind when she was 17. Imagine that? I would be devastated if were her. I even cried on my sweet seventeen birthday because I was having chicken pox. I looked so horrible I though it was the end of the world! I thought no boy would be interested in me, or wanted to date me or went to a party with me. You know, girls’ stuff! I was ashamed and felt sorry for myself.
Looking back now, my misery was nothing compared to her. Well, my scar diminished over time. But her sight… is gone forever.

During her school time, she had to study three times harder than us. She must have her material read out for her, and then she answered the problems with braille, and then she must convert it again to latin script (so the teacher could understand her work). It strucked me how she tried not to force or blame the situation. Instead, she tries to adjust her condition with the given situation. She didn’t demand facilities to support her, she created ways to survive.
While me.. my complains to the situation and constraints are countless.
Sometimes I just gave in and found no reason to fight. I ‘demand’ the situation to change to my favor.

I, once again, feel ashamed of myself.

foto caption:Yansen (rawinala student)

What is it with man and skirt?

I don’t wear skirt to the office often. But during this rainy season, pants are easily dirty by water-dirt splashed from cars. All my pants are either in the drier or piling up non-ironed. So I wear skirt today.

My skirt is just an ordinary office-look skirt that flatters my body and reaches 2 inches above the knee. Nothing sexy or provoking But when I walked to the bus stop, I saw several tip-to-toe look from men passing by me. Naughty look. You can clearly see it even though they’re wearing helmet. It’s the kinda look as if you see an ice cream in the middle of the dessert.
Drooling.
I’m not exaggerating, believe me. I was being harassed.
But of course it will be silly to raise this case. The court room situation will go like this:
Judge: So, what’re the charges?
Me : Your honor, I am being harassed. This man starred at me like he wanted to rip off my clothes.
Judge: Young lady, are you sure it’s not only your imagination?
Case closed! Next!

So, I decided to let go.

It’s a different story though, if they use words. Words my friends, can be a lot sharper than knife. I can categorize this harassment by mild to severe. Things like:
kakaak… berangkat kak? (Going somewhere, missy?)
Or
Neng, ikut nyok sama abang. (Girl, let’s go to my place)
I still consider this mild.

Until:
Tukang ojek: ojek neng?(offering to give me a ride)
Me : Ga, bang. (polite refusal)
TO : neng, m***k nya putih ya?(asking the color of my v*g**a.

What on earth? I was so dumbfounded, I could barely think. And he repeated his nasty question to me, and all that I could think of is just:
Ga tau bang, ga kenal.
Pretending he was looking for someone.

If I am given the take two, perhaps it would go like this:
TO : neng, m***k nya putih ya?
Me : Ga tau, bang. Mau liat? Yuk kita ke Polsek atau Komnas Perempuan.
(Not sure, let’s check it out in police station or women’s crisis center)

That’ll teach him a lesson.

Although, I do know some nice compliment about female wearing skirt. Sometimes the difference between compliment and harassment lies on how the message conveyed, and how you receive it.
The nice one, goes like this:
“You know, in some countries, I will be sued by commenting female sub-ordinate’s appearance. But I don’t care. You do look very nice today. So sue me!”

That, my friend, is an A-class pick up line!
The effect would be: gentle beat that slowly spread to your nerve that makes your cheek warm and red, and your lips forming a smile. That smile lasts all day.

All this, because of a skirt. A non sexy skirt.
So, back to my question, what is it with man and skirt?

this feeling...

should I be relieved, or sad, or alert?
I just know something that i've known all along... only I refused to believe.
I do not know for sure how I close I 'relate' to this.. but I refuse to know.

I felt betrayed and fooled, but then who is to blame?
my self?
yup! definitely.

for being such a naive girl..
for letting someone play a hero for me..

this feeling..
is difficult for me to describe.

Is it the way I say things..?

It tickles me when my friend said that.

She was referring to her experiences, that guys tent to brag with her. Has the urge to compete with her, over serious to silly things, ranging from poetry to sushi..

“Is it the way I say things? Did I talk snobbishly or move arrogantly? What triggers them to show off their knowledge or interest?”, she said.

“No dear, they just try to impress you”, I replied.

“..which is very unnecessarily. I wont be impressed with snob guy.”

She then told me her discussion with her male friend, who happened to have the same opinion with me, that those guys just tried to impress her by bragging what they knew.

Her male friend added that, well, men, with their ego, sometimes like it when female don’t have opinion. “It’s kinda cute sometimes when girls don’t have opinion”

WHATTT??

“Perhaps you should restrain the urge to tell them what you think on something. That would please men.”, he added.

Correct me if I’m wrong, does it mean that smart girls should play dumb?
Sometimes we need to just sit down and look pretty?

Well, that’s easy!

*LoL

MUTE MODE = ON

Some people, still consider other people’s misery as a funny thing. You see, I have problem with my voice almost every time I have sore throat and cough: it’s gone. Yup, completely! For me, it’s misery. For others, it’s funny.

Exhibit 1:

My handphone rings.
Me : ha wo?
(whisper wih my bindeng voice)
Friend (F) : are you on a meeting?
Me : no
F : why are you whispering.
Me : I ‘aev a ‘or toat. My voice gone.
(I have a sore throat. My voice is gone)
F : HUAHAHAHAHAHA….

Exhibit 2:
Colleague (C) : Hey, my friend is coming over to my place this weekend. I want to hook you up with him. Whaddaya think?
Me : pss.. ssh.. ss?
(I’m trying to say: Is he nice?)
C : What?
Me : pss.. ssh.. ss?
(still trying with my hiss voice)
C : Good. I’ll tell him he’ll get a date whom can not talk.
It’s just perfect!
Me : !@#$%^^&*

Exhibit 3:
phone rings.
Me : ha wo?
Ex Boyfriend (EB) : hey! I already got confirmation from A, Y and D. They will
come to Plangi this Friday. How about you? Have you told the other guys about the rendez-vous?
Me : ai sss..ssss
EB : What?
Me : I sent sms
*mengerahkan segenap tenaga
EB : ih merki banget si. Kan loe tau kalo di sms anak2 suka ga respon. Telpon langsung dong. (Don’t be so stingy. They won’t reply if you send sms, just call them instead.)
Me : I can’t talk. I aev …
EB : What? Ga usah sok mesra deh ma gue. Pake bisik2 segala. Ga ngaruh, tau?
(no need to play romantic with me by whispering. No use [I won’t be seduced])
Me : PSSS PPSSSS SSHH HHSSSSS!!!!
EB : What?
Click! I turned it off with dismay.

I send him sms:
ME? PLAY ROMANTIC WITH YOU?? YOU MUST BE DREAMING! IH SORRY! WHY AM WHISPERING? I HAVE SORE THROAT AND MY VOICE IS GONE. THAT’S WHY!!

All caps.
To emphasize that his word upset me.

My handphone rings.. EB calls again.
Me : hawo!
EB : HUAHAHAHAHAHA…..

Me : click!

the silly thing about being in love

I know what you think when you read the title. So hold your smile, it's not about me ;p

it's about a girl. and she adores a boy. and she tries soooo hard to impress him.
maybe the girl thought that he is almost hers. until she found out that the boy also spreads his wings to other girls.
she becomes disappointed. and insecure.
she starts doing silly things.
she starts bugging others, to get information about him.

and he knows.

but he is not angry at her.
he is still nice to her, makes her keep her hopes.
but he is also nice to other girls.

and the girl..
poor her.
she keeps doing silly things.
she keeps bugging others.

she just tries to win his heart.

if only,
she just tells the truth
and dares to face the fact, whatever that will be.

if only,
he could be more stern
and dares to tell the fact, whatever that will be.

the silly things might stop.
and I will no longer be bugged!!

a glimpse of paradise

tadi pagi jalan, masi kepagian untuk ukuran standar gw.
bau hujan, bercampur dengan bau dupa.
mungkin encik di sebelah kiri or kanan or depan lagi sembahyang.
baunya itu... bau tanah basah bercampur dupa
membuat gw keinget bali

inget waktu pertama kali mendarat di bali, untuk post baru di sana.
hujan baru berhenti di bandara ngurah rai.
ketika menghirup nafas saat kaki baru aja terjejak di tanah, bau itu...
bau khas bali.

duh kangen banget ama bali!

kang..e....n..nnn..n..n.. !!

Youth Pledge Day

So, this post it to commemorate youth pledge day, tomorrow, 28 October 2008.
Thanks to our founding fathers (and mothers) *can’t help it, can’t take gender bias ;p
who had somewhat and somehow declared the pledge under Dutch’s nose!
Do you know that the pledge was declared with the present of Dutch officials who observed the 2nd Youth Conference?
Do you know that during the youth conference, Mr Thabranie et all assigned some smart talkative youths to accompany and talk to the Dutch officials, in order to distract their attention from the content of the pledge?
Do you think the pledge could be declared if the Dutch Officials knew the content?
Pretty damn Smart, Thabranie et all!


I just wanna say, I'm happy that Thabranie et all made it. I love my country.

The fact that for some extent, my beloved country has so much to fix… doesn’t change my love and devotion to her. I can’t imagine living in other countries. I can’t imagine losing so much convenient by having everything you need ready to your door.

-Bang, ketopraaaaakkk! Satu ya pedesssss!

-Sayuur baaaang! Sawi ijo dua iket. Ngutang dulu ya, nyokap ga ada.

-Bur ayam, ga pake kacang ga pake emping ga pake sledri. Cakwenya banyakin.

I mean, where else could you find such luxury?

To question my nationality, honey, you’d better think twice!
Why, you should know damn well that I never, I repeat, NEVER buy piracy cd of Indonesian singer. Nor the piracy vcd or dvd of Indonesian movie. It’s a crime!

do you have any idea what our artist went through until their album/movie out to the market? Can you imagine their disappointment knowing the piracy version of their work already available in ambassador mall even before they launch their work? You might say, it’s the system, it’s the demand, it’s the label, it’s the player in industry..

Doesn’t matter, stop buying piracy!

Show some respect to our local artists. Buy original.

That' my pledge. What's yours?

legal draft on pornography

I came to a public dialog that I thought would not involve brain cracking. I was wrong. I kept thinking about it even after the dialog was over.

*Mungkin ini yg disebut mengendap di pikiran, halah!

It was a pro contra about legal drafting on Pornography. I was kinda contra to the draft. But after the dialog, I was not sure anymore.

Why?

Because my disagreement on the draft was merely based on the opinion from media, without really read and understand each article on the draft.
I guess you, yes YOU, also did the same. You disagree with the draft, said it’s terrible, it’s disaster.. but I’m sure you only read the definition of Pornography quoted from the draft by media.

Yes, the definition is still open for interpretation. Because it involves imagination.

I also learned from the dialog that media, some of them big media, really mislead the viewers by its opinion and false quotes from several experts. So this draft has been politically and ideologically corrupted. I don’t know the agenda, and hell I don’t care. I just remember the ‘Agenda Setting’ theory back then from campus (that media can set the issue from its lay out, headline, and content and affect the readers)

There were Ade Armando, Bagus Takwin, Neng Dara, Mula Harahap and Azlaini as speakers, and Hikmat Gumilar as moderator. It was very enriching experience.

One of the speaker said that we already have several regulation related to pornography, namely KUHP, UU Penyiaran, UU Teknologi Informasi. Wy don’t we just strengthened the existing regulation bla bla..

Another speaker said, we know that porn VCD is illegal. But somehow we can access it easily, and cheap too. Children can have it. That’s why 60% of the inmate in juvenile penitentiary (penjara anak-anak) in Bandung were sentenced out of pasal pencabulan. So will this new regulation guarantee that practice (selling porn VCD) won’t happen again? I doubt it.

Other speaker said, we can’t use KUHP anymore. It was made in the 80s. The situation was different back then. The punishment was quite lame, you will be sentenced for 6 months – 1,5 years to do pornography, and pay the fine Rp. 45.000 (I forgot the amount, but small). It won’t have ‘efek jera’. We need regulation as an umbrella for other existing regulation and also new adaptive regulation developed by provinces/districts.

The other said, there’s no single words in the articles that can harm the rich culture in Indonesia. This regulation was developed to protect people. Even for those who, by force, had done/produced pornography, is also considered on this draft( such us being raped and taped). Balinese can still have their dances, Papuan can still wear their koteka.

So I was wrong about this draft. Now I know better.
But I still can’t say that I agree with this draft. I mean, what’s the point? We can have many regulations, but we always take for granted the implementation.

I object it when people smoke in the public transport. I always express my disagreement rather obviously (but still in sweet manner dong…! ;p). The smoker can either accept my objection or give me their nasty look. Others, especially ibu2 will give thank you look. The ‘non-smoking’ sticker on the window would give me proud look. The driver would give me ‘kalo ga mau bau asep naik taksi aja’ look.
I could give ‘ heyyy, this is regulation!’ look, but will they care?
Where is ‘aparat dan perangkat’ that supposed to regulate that?

So whats the point of inaugurating the regulation that we know: we can't guarantee that this regulation will take effect?

*collecting my brain pieces that cracked over this thought

Me and My BigMouth

I don’t know when it started, somehow I feel that everybody finds excitement over my love life. It has become a soap opera for them. Or, better yet, it becomes a reality show for them.

My life become a public consumption.

Of course ‘ga ada asap kalo ga ada api’.. there’s no smoke if there is no fire (halah! maksa banget ga siy?).

And I knowwwwww, me and big mouth started the fire.

I don’t know if it’s because I really need advise from friends, or because I suffer from acute narcism!
I talked to one person, and then the other, and more others!
Before you know it, people eagerly seek for the updates (I must be one hell of story teller!)

They start throwing rather personal questions/statements:
How’s your date?
Was it nice?
Did he say something to make you fly?
Did you talk to him?
Did you k*** him?
You still on casual date terms with him?

or

If you’ve gone for a date more than 3 times in three consequence weekend, you practically move in together. C’mon! There’s no such thing as casual date!

And finally:

Oh Fiiiit, you’re so amateur!!!!

At first it was fun. Maybe because I considered this dating thingy as a joke. We enjoyed all the comments or speculation or analysis over my going on a date. It’s just…cute.

I didn’t take it seriously.
I didn’t take him seriously.
But I guess the more you talk about it, the more you think about it.
The more you think, the more you grow and nurture special feeling for him.
And the more your feeling grows, it sooths you to talk about him over and over.
On and on and on…

I thinks she’s in love
No doubt about it!

*me with crimson face

Oh shoot! Me and my bigmouth!

*sigh

Did he know that he has become my north and south, my east and west?
My six working days and my Sunday rest?*

Boy, everybody knows it but you…

*) Quoting poem from WH Auden

The Sign of Victory

I live in the non-Moslem neighborhood. But thanks to the TOA in the mosque and the wind that seriously blows the sound to my neighborhood, I can hear Takbiran.

Loud and clear.

It’s the sign that we have finally completed our ordeal
It’s the sign of victory
It makes me sad, though.

Every year, for five years now, when I lay on my bed looking up at the ceiling, with the Takbiran as the back sound, I cry.

I remember my father.

They said that the spirit would come home during ramadhan, and would return to .. (grave?) when Takbiran starts.
So I kinda believe that my father has been here, in our house, watching us in silent.

I guess I could feel his presence.
Could feel his disapproved look over my coming home late at night after series of breaking the fast events with friends.
Could feel his attentive look when I talked to mother about boring work, confusing guys, annoying colleagues…
So tonight, guess I could feel his gone!

I can feel his gone, with his eyes red with tears, knowing that his children did not send him enough pray
I remember all the nights I went to bed without even pray Rabbighfirlii Warhamnii..
and even when I did pray, I did it with my eyes lid heavily.. not sure whether I finish the pray..

So tonight, for five times now,
with Takbiran as the backsound,
I shed the tears on the pillow
Regret that I, once again, have failed him…
Regret for not using Ramadhan to give him small favor
Regret for not be able to make him proud

I’m hoping that I will have the chance to make it up next years

Papa, hold my heart, count its beat
That is how much I miss you..

Why does she always so bitter?

Why does she always so bitter?
Why is she always so skeptical?

Me and her.. we are quite anomaly..
I’m quite an optimist kinda a person
even sometimes… rrr oftentimes.. I had to crumble when things turned out not as I expected…but soon I’ll start crawling up again assuming there’s still hope.. even if then I have to crumble again hehe… at least I’ve tried.. (BIG times!)

“Look the glass is not empty.. there’s still some drop of water in it!!” , my under consciousness said.

And her.. I don’t know.. She manages to see the negative things on something.. and deny everything that’s not in line with her frame of reference…
And when it happens… she won’t accept any arguments and keep fighting it even with the lame argument.

“The glass is half empty. I won’t drink the water because is not enough. I will still feel thirsty after”

I’m lucky that I see things black, white, red, pink and rainbow color…
I think she just see things black and grey…

Gardening

It never really occurs to me to have gardening as a hobby. It crossed my mind slightly after I watched Si Unyil years back, when Pak Raden or whomsoever started Apotik Hidup. I thought it’s kinda cool to plant plants that have medication/remedy effect. But I never really plant anything since then.

I didn’t take much thought about gardening. Not until I stayed in Bali. I saw men have startling passion about plants. They even exchange plants among them! I know women go to their neighbor to share their cookies, and in return they have another cookies from the neighbor. It’s a common practice among women. I noticed men, if they happen to go to their neighbor/friend house, they end up bringing home plants from their friends’ collection. And in returns, they give their collection. Let me make this clear: we’re talking about man here…

Okay, before it’s going to be a discussion about gender… I only want to tell you that I was a bit surprised knowing men have such passion about gardening.

Back in Bali, I was a little upset when one of my colleagues, who was supposed to pick me up from the office, came late because he had to shower his plants first. Annoyed, I snorted that he could ask his sister or mother to do it. And he said it’s his job, and those were his plants. So he had to do it himself.

One day I noticed one of a man in the office (still in Bali) once surfed the net. And it was the Adenium website. And he was so stunned with the pictures of all pretty colorful adenium (until that moment, I didn’t know that flower’s name). He even screamed excitingly over a purple-centered pink-circled adenium with “Ihhh gemesssss warnanya..”
Hadn’t I known him, I would have thought he was a gay.

“Don’t you like flower?” he asked
“Yeah… I just like looking at it, not fancy nourish it or anything….”
“How come..? he added

Then without realizing it, I stayed with him browsing other sites: euphorbia, crysantenum, anthurium...

Back in Jakarta I didn’t have much encounter with flower world. Until one day, on the nice cool evening after office hour, my friend, a guy, asked me to walk from jalan irian menteng to diponegoro instead of taking the bus in front of sarinah. I thought its kinda nice for a change. I bet not many Jakartans, especially the yuppies, have ever enjoyed the evening walking. So we walked side by side, with his eyes wander from house to house. When I asked what he was looking at, he said he was looking at the trees and plants in the houses we passed. Then he started telling me that he’s now fancy gardening. Jaw dropping, I listened attentively while he enthusiastically explained about the kind of plants he liked best, his new collection and… most of all.. how he GOT them!!

“I saw a plant I like around this neighborhood. Wait… there it is!” he said
“What so special about it? You can find it everywhere..” I said over a large green leaves with ivory dot scattered in the middle. Later on I was told the name was Dieffenbachia “No.. it’s not the same. See the pattern of the dot.. it’s not the same with what we often find.”
“Really?”
“Yeah… hey listen! I’ve been longing to take this plant. I don’t think the owner would miss it. Beside, he has some collection like this. I just take the smallest one. Will you cover for me?”
“WHATTT?”
We were in front of the big house in Menteng area, where mostly they have SECURITY officer!
“Just relax. We talk casually, pointing at the plant as if we discussing something, and just grab it. Done!” , by the time he finished his word, the plant is already on his hand.
“Do you happen to have plastic bag?” he said calmly.
Still jaw dropping, I rummaged inside my bag try to find some kind of bag. Found a bread bag and handed it to him.
“Will you do it quick and let’s get out of here!”, I said.
“Relax…”

We went on walking to the bus station, but dropped by in the Menteng Park. He explained many things about plants and flowers in the park. Offered me some plant that I might like, that he would gladly tug it for me. Isn’t it romantic? Walking down the park during sunset and get a gift of stolen flower right through the akar from a man who stole it in front your very eyes!!

“No, thanks…” I said with wry smile.

Anyway, he then told me about his new hobby. About his effort with the villagers to get their collection. About his spy work in some residence to search certain variety. About his stealing collections. About the different sensation he got after stealing certain plant. …

Man! I thought gardening is the safest-most harmless-most peaceful hobby in the world!
I mean, you wont die or get hurt because of gardening… right?
it’s not like you get decompression while you go on diving, or broken bone like when you go on horse riding…

The worst thing that could happen with gardening is you get some scratch from the rose thorn…

It never occurred to me being beaten up by furious crowd because you were caught in the act stealing some plant.. only because your gardening hobby!!

Ih, mati kutu!
Mati gaya pula…

Power of simple word

strange...
how simple thing can make your heart trembling
how simple word can change your world upside down..

and funny..
how your sad broken little heart can cure just with a simple word
how your cold dark gloomy world seems to alter into a happy summer

the power of word?

no.. it's the power of 'someone' who said the word.

that 'someone' has changed my summer into a bloody cold winter
has turned my shiny day into darkest night
with his word...

that same 'someone' has made the broken pieces mend together
has put me to sleep with smile
with his word...

Grateful Therapy

One way to coup with your devastations, is being grateful. That’s what my Mom and God- knows-how-many-others said. Being grateful of what you have and what you don’t have. Sound so philosophic, huh?

Last week, I experienced the lowest point in my life. I felt so sad I can’t remember the last time I was that sad. It seemed everything went against me. The trigger still, well, as always.. love! Cheesy, huh?

So, my friends came up with this Grateful Therapy. Actually she didn’t intended that way. At least it wasn’t obvious if she did. She just gave me updates of the people we know over a cup of tea. You know... girls’ stuff!

Anyway, this person we both know, was a smart, stylish, successful girl. She was practically me... in better version! She had a good job and nice paycheck, and yet, she often had unlucky relationship. In fact, she had always had tragic love stories. Everybody who knew her would agree with me.

In short, she finally got married. And it’s like a Cinderella story. She met a nice guy. He was single, smart, well-educated, successful businessman and quite religious. He was perfect. And he made her life full-circled now. She was happily married and successful career woman. And we agreed that he was the reward of all her suffers. And she deserved it.

But last month, my friend said, her husband died of cancer. Her perfect husband, her knight on shining armor, her reward… just died on her second year of marriage! I was so shocked. I can’t imagine how she must have felt. I can’t imagine if she were me.. oh please no! It was just unfair. Life is cruel to her, I thought.

But my friend said, God loves her so much. God has plan for her. Blah blah blah…

Back to my life, my devastated life, I must admit that my suffer was nothing compared to her. God only took thing that didn’t belong to me. I borrowed it and insisted in having it. And when He said NO!, I was angry and sad and disappointed.

Now, I still feel sad and devastated, and try to coup with it. But I thank God I didn’t experience any worse than this.

Last weekend, when I hang out with my girl friends, this poem from WH Auden came up. And I feel it quite represents my story.

He was my north, my south, my east and west

My working week and my Sunday rest

My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song

I thought that love would last forever; I was wrong.

A Friend in Need is ...

“I don’t see a problem here. Sorry”

I was just telling her that I went to find professional help because I was very sad and devastated. Someone I was recently involved with, whom I still strive to get over it, was getting married in couple days. When I heard the news, I felt the world come tumbling down and the sky fall over me. All system in my brain shut down, and could only operate emergency command: cry!

And she said she didn’t see that as a problem?
Helllooo…?
Why should I go see a shrink if there wasn’t a problem?

If you think MY problem is not a real problem.. well maybe because it’s not YOUR problem. But that doesn’t mean it’s not important. It is for me. Show some symphaty dear!

That’s one thing you need from a friend.

no idea!

I’ve been having sort of “writer block”.. (yeah right! as if I’m a real writer)

I can’t finish everything I write.

The thing is, I’m having mmmhhhh… I refuse to say that I’m at the lowest point in my life. But how do you say if : you lost your job, haven’t got the new one, your CV has not yet been responded, no boyfriend, break up with your fling (can we say ‘break up’ with a ‘fling’?), lose my creativity, unproductive, unhealthy (this flu has stick with me for more than 3 weeks now! ukh!), ungrateful..

I prefer to say that I have a long vacation. I get up at 9, make tea, read newspaper, do some house chores, call friends to make appointment, take a bath, go to malls to have lunch with friends, and then coffee, and then dinner…

Malls have been my office now…
And yup, PS is the headquarter!

So maybe I’m not having a writer’s block after all.
I just don’t have interesting story to tell.

Guess I just go on with pretend-to-have-long-vacation thing.
So, bear with me!

Rebound

Here what happens if you keep falling in love with the wrong person: You end up broken hearted!

Oh yes I know, I’ve been there, done that! Big times!!

And that doesn’t make me an expert (of broken heart). No! But at least I know two ways of getting over it: the HARD WAY or the EASY WAY.

The first couple times, I apparantly took the hard way. Step by step, I’ve been through the four stages of broken heart:

1. feeling sorry for yourself
2. feeling mad about yourself
3. feeling mad for him
4. feeling nothing at all

They’re right, time heals… I just wish it could be sooner, much sooner!

It took me years!!
...with sleepless nights and countless tears.

So the next time my heart broke, I chose the easy way. How? Simply find a rebound. Find another object of your affection. I kinda grabbed the next man who hit on me, didn’t care if I didn’t really like him. He seemed to care for me, and that’s enough. I just didn’t want to be alone.

Oh yes, it worked! Rebound cured…

… until I fell in love with the rebound guy. Fatal mistakes!

I shouldn’t have fallen in love with the rebound. Because the rebound guys were usually not the ‘ideal’ person. They were only the guys who happened to be at the right time (injury time I must say..)

Guess what happens next? Another broken-hearted!

The hard way took your valuable times, your happiness, golden opportunities… because you were blinded with your grieve. The easy way offered a vague happiness and lead you to another grieve.

If you were me, what would you choose now: the hard way or the easy way?

Goodbye...

Saying goodbye’s never an easy thing..
This nice place
The salty air
The beautiful people
.. especially the people that makes it harder…
I’ve come to love the people so much.

From my MP3 player:
.. all my bags are packed, I’m ready to go..

Hmmppppffff…
Here I am, feeling sorry for myself.. for the goodbye I soon have to say

Thank you guys for the unforgettable 5 months…
Thank you my dear…
You’re all missed!

Hope to see you again sometimes soon…